Why I’m a Proud Liberal

Author: William Baumgarth

Let me introduce myself, my name is Sally Baker. I’m your typical Brooklyn mom with three kids Casey, Jack, and Fiona. I take my kids to soccer practice, buy my food at whole foods, and am a board member at my children’s school’s PTA program. When I’m not packing my kid’s lunches you can find me blogging, or fighting injustice on Facebook. Perhaps the most important thing about me is that I’m a proud, and devout liberal.

Why am I a liberal you ask? Because I believe in equality and more importantly equal outcome. I remember the first time I cast my vote in a presidential election. It was the 1992 election, and Bill Clinton was the nominee. Oh to be eighteen years old again! Everything was splendid during those times, we had a Democrat as president, and “Whoomp!” by Tag Team had come out. I very much consider the early nineties to be the golden age of culture in the U.S.

I have fond memories of Bill Clinton as president. His charming smile, and rosy cheeks could put any impressionable eighteen year old in a trance. I even remember the moment I came to the realization that I was only going to vote Democrat. It was 1993 and Bill Clinton invaded Waco, Texas, killing twenty seven people. I was thinking to myself at that moment “this guy has some balls!” It was from that moment on that I knew I could only vote Democrat. Now I’m probably going to get some hate from Republicans over my love for Bill Clinton. The Republicans would call him “promiscuous,” however, I have no problem with this. Me and my husband have sex with other people all of the time. Oh great, now I’ve probably got an army of religious nuts ready to attack me. Well, what I would tell the religious nuts is that I don’t believe in a nonsensical God, I worship crystals instead.

I am a Democrat, because I understand people. My youngest child Jack is nine, and I’ve been asking him everyday for three years whether or not he wants to change his sex. He’s always says “no mom!” Even though he has said no everyday for the past three years, I just want him to know somebody supports him. Although he sometimes says “no mom,” quite aggressively sometimes, which worries me because it leads me to think he has some sexist tendencies. I do not know of any Republican who has this deep an understanding of their children.

To be a liberal, you need to act the part as well. When I’m not cleaning the unicorn stable, I’m plucking out each one of my teeth individually with a pocket wrench. This is so that I can put it underneath my pillow and receive money in recompense from the tooth-fairy. The money I collect then goes to taxes. It is a really good, free way to make money for your federal or local government, because with Obamacare, every tooth I remove gets replaced. But perhaps more importantly, plucking out your teeth is for the good of humanity. When I remove a tooth, it destroys the nerves in my mouth sending me into a state of agony. I do not struggle much, so this agony is necessary in helping me identify with other people in agony. When I’m bleeding that profusely, the only thing on my mind is “come on Sally, you need to do this in order to minimize your privilege!”

In short, I’m a liberal because I believe everyone should have enough gas money to fill their dragon. I’m a liberal because I believe everybody should own a unicorn stable, and a cloud for air travel. I’m a liberal because it is a human right for everyone to own a rainbow that they can slide down in order to get to Whole Foods. I’m a liberal because I’m super-duper smart.


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